...And I can't tell you where the 'Preparation H' is...
Today was the third most expensive day of my life (behind the day I bought my condo and bought my car...). I went to Sam's Club.
I decided, with the help of my new friend Flo (more about her in future posts) that I had to buy some rations for my trip. So, I went shopping for all the non-perishable goods Kyle and I will need for the next 2 years.
My plan was to be up and in the store when it opened at
About 3 seconds into my shopping expedition I realize that this is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever had to do in my life - luckily I have a half charged iPod in my purse. With the help of Justin Timberlake I was able to get through the next 3 hours of my shopping day...
About 4 aisles into the pharmacy section as I'm loading 16 Crest whitening, extra fluoride, tartar control toothpaste tubes onto my pallet (that’s right I had a pallet – no lousy cart for me!) jamming out to my ‘sexy back’ I hear an “Excuse me”. I scoot out of the way assuming that someone is just trying to get around me and my big-ass pallet.
Again, I hear “EXCUSE ME” so I decide to turn around to see what the heck is going on. There is a freakishly old women (you know, like 65…but she was a smoker) THISCLOSE to me. Fine, I’ll see what she wants. I reluctantly remove my headphones and tuck them into my hot pink sweatshirt (notice that a hot pink hoodie is not the same as Sam’s blue vests) and give her a ‘what the hell do you want crazy lady look’.
‘Where’s your Preparation H?” I continue to stare blankly at her…more because I’m trying to fathom what she just asked me and understand why she made me remove my headphones so she could talk to me.
Her husband finally decided to chime in with “Dear, she doesn’t work here. She’s shopping.”
“Oh” The end.
…that might have been one of the weirdest experiences of my life…
Three hours later and 2 full pallets it was time for me to pack up the toaster and move on down the road to the Wal-Mart to get the other stuff that Sam’s didn’t have.
Once at Wal-Mart I spent half of my time discussing the finer points of the stockroom with the 12 year old working the cosmetics section (remember, I went shopping at like
Me: “Do you have any more of this face soap? This is the last tube.”
12yo: “Let’s go look on the shelf.”
Me: “I just said this is all there was on the shelf.”
12yo: “Then they’re all gone.”
Me: “Could you have them somewhere else as well?”
12yo: “No”
Me: “What about the stockroom, could you have any more back there?”
12yo: “Maybe” ~blank stare~
Me: “Can you check for me, I need 11 more tubes.”
12yo: “I guess…” ~walks off with my tube of face wash~
Literally 20 minutes later she comes back empty handed, she doesn’t even bring back the tube that I sent her off with.
Two and a half cartloads later I have a closet full of 24 pounds of pasta, 48 boxes of macaroni and cheese, 450 loads worth of laundry detergent and fabric softener, $65 worth of razorblades, enough plastic bags to cover the earth, and more feminine products then I would like to admit.
In case the world comes to an end everyone is invited to my house.
1 comment:
You DO realize that there will probably be lots of people visiting and they can always bring things over, right? Heck, I've got dibs on next summer. I don't know about pasta, but I could always bring you some toothpaste.
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